01

05/29/2025

i don't even know what to say to you. i find myself missing you but i can no longer tell if it's you or the memories. you've changed so much, and i love that you're starting to love yourself. but some of this is so. instigating.

some of it is like you're trying to start more issues.
"oh god"
i know i should not have yelled. i know what i did was irrational. but why would you say that? i miss the hours in the morning and you in the morning hours. i miss your morning breath and the way you smell after a long day. was it comfort? was it the comfort of having you or was it you?

i've been spending some time with some people, sleeping with one and hanging out with the other soon. he is sweet. not quite right though. i can't tell if its because i'm not over you or if it's actually not right. i'm not trying to move on, just trying to feel something. i'm extremely manic.

i find myself needing quite long showers afterwards, it makes me feel like a whore. i feel disgusting every time post-rough breakup sex. i took an hour long shower today. did i just meet you a bit too early?

some people have said to me that you have to meet a person twice. maybe i need to meet you again, or maybe it was never you. i know i loved you though. i loved you so much. i'm sorry i was the way i was.

i find myself becoming more goofy, in a way of, the things that would usually infuriate me, make me just go "ahhh! ah!" instead. i'm homesick.

one thing i will say to you is that you made me too comfortable with being a bad partner. i'm not blaming you obviously, but its the settling thing. you made me feel like it was okay to not change and i don't want you to ever do that again with anyone else. it's the same thing i was telling k. she made r too comfortable with never bettering himself because he felt no need, he had some fake security that was not deserved. it's the same with us. i'm writing these letters to you, ash. i don't say the things i often mean.

im self destructing, i need to so i can get better. i need to destroy until i get to the root, the core of myself, and just start over and rebuild it all.

i've had manic episodes like this, where it just lets me start over completely. it was like that when i moved to oregon, i was so manic and destroyed myself right before and rebuilt it all with a fresh start. that's what i'm going to do now.

i'm buying coke tonight i think, i need to delve into myself. i need to get back to my roots. i used to be so chill, didn't care, i started caring too much. that's the issue. i need to care less, i need to be carelessly responsible, after this manic episode wears off i'm going to double down, i know you won't b elieve me but by the time you read this you'll probably see proof that i already will be.

if i move on i'd tell you, i don't know what i want right now. not talking to you is hard in the way that it's so familiar and i hate change. i miss your stupid jokes and i miss you shaking my hand and pounding it on the center console to music, i miss kissing your nose and fucking with your hair. i miss when you asked me to dye your hair for you. i wish i painted your nails. i miss doing things for you. i miss tickling you. i miss when i'd pull you into bed and hang onto you like a koala.

i miss your smile

is this temporary? i don't know how to feel right now, i'm a mess