no, man, i don't eat meat, i tear it. i'm hopelessly uninvolved in current affairs and can you blame me? sometimes i fix my hair, my skin, my face, but i'm never the cleanest i have felt. i pick under my nails every day and they are as brittle as always. hello? people tell me, "dont look at me with those bedroom eyes," but i'm just looking at them normally. sometimes it makes me wonder. won't you let me be? just as you take my hand you burn so fast it scares me. all of last year was a fatal disease. where am i? sometimes i look in the mirror and my hair is knotted and tangled, and i'm the cleanest i have ever been. no, of course you don't eat onions. will you milk it? sometimes i crack my knuckles and hear a tear. hello, hello, testing testing. anyone here? sometimes there is a loud ringing in my ears. what? sorry, i couldn't hear you. BREAKING NEWS: IF YOU ARE STILL READING THIS YOUR EYES HURT. STOP. don't leave me. i'm cold every moment of my life. sometimes i get lonely. i am lonely every moment of my life. do you feel warmth when you are here? nobody found the body. are you still here? what sparks joy? hand in hand? are you unloveable too? sometimes i rip my nails off. as brittle as always. i think im going insane. please don't leave, i get lonely. if you exit this site i will kill myself. do you want me to die? sometimes i want to kill myself. is that what you want? hello? sometimes i look in the mirror and i still see you. you have carved scars in your back from fallen angels. sometimes my knees are cut and bruised and i remember. will you rip the stitches sewn into my skin? will you tear them out one by one? does that turn you on? man, i dont eat meat, i tear it off your brittle bones and devour it. do you eat meat? hello? i'm hopelessly uninvolved in life, you blame me. why? sometimes i rip my hair, my skin, my face, and i'm the most normal i have ever been. have you ever touched yourself? i spat blood at god and he is angry. do you like to draw? do you like to write? do you like to read? is your halo slipping down? do you tie the noose? is it a perfect circle? feel the ridges of your knuckles and bite them. have you ever cut yourself? sometimes i hum when i'm asleep. can you hear it? with my ear up against the wall i can still hear them humming. can you feel it? do i have pure bedroom eyes? yeah i drink juice when i'm killing, cause its fucking delicious. she said i drink too much hawaiian red fruit punch. i can still hear the crack when my ribs were broken. i used to get so high i didn't know what was going on. i used to get so high my nose was numb for days. do you enjoy the smell of gasoline? sometimes i look in the mirror and a salamander, or a rabbit reflects. please, i miss you. where are you ? hello? can you hear me? i don't want to be alone. am i alive and well? am i breathing just like i've always been? sometimes i stare into the sun. do you lay bruised and abused on a shelf? to be observed but never listened to? are you a wallflower? do you observe? i want you to put your hand through the screen and grab mine. i am here. can you see me? can you feel me? my hands are so cold. hand in unloveable hand? please, seriously. i miss you. i want to hold your hand. it's so cold i can see my breath. i wonder if i'll ever get out of here. sometimes i feel hopeless. i remember how it was before and i feel unrecognizable. i don't even know if i'm me anymore. the last 8 years were a fatal disease. i think i might be the disease now. can you cure me? i don't want to be alone. i remember when i used to be a child and i never thought "why?" when i was younger i used to stay up for hours in the candlelight. i felt like i was being watched. are you watching me? i want you to touch yourself. do you love me? i love you. does my hair smell nice? i use chamomile herbal essence shampoo. can you feel my skin? hello? help me. jesus christ please fucking help me. oh my fucking god it burns so fucking bad. please help me i need to get out of here. please. please help me, i know you can hear me. i know you can fucking hear me. why arent you helping me? why? WHY? I CAN SEE YOU. WHY ARENT YOU HELPING ME. WH----------- . . no, man, i don't eat meat, i tear it. i'm hopelessly uninvolved in current affairs and can you blame me? sometimes i cut myself just to taste the blood. i pick under my nails every day and they are as brittle as always. cut yourself. hello? people tell me, "dont look at me with those bedroom eyes," but i'm just looking at them normally. can you fucking stop viewing me as a piece of meat? i'm not here for you to get off. why the fuck did you do that to me? did you know i still fucking have panic attacks every fucking night? why? sometimes i stare into the sun. sometimes it makes my eyes burn, and i look away, and all i can see are black dots. one time i stared into a solar eclipse and the dots stayed for days. hello? are you actually watching this still? you're in love with me, clearly. i love you too. thank you. sometimes i think nobody ever bothers to listen to the things i say or write, and it makes me feel unloved. thank you. i know your eyes hurt. let me lick your eyeballs

　　　　  　　  　　　 　 .∥
　　　  　　  　　　　 　 .∥
ㅤ　   　   　　　＿__　  .∥
ㅤㅤ   ㅤ  　 ／　　　 ｀ヽ∥
　  　  　 ,:'　　　　　　､ゑ
　  　  　,'　　 　;　　i　 八､
　  　  　|,! 、 ,! | 　,' ,〃ヽ!;､ 　　
　  　  　|!| ｌ川 l ﾘへ'==二二ト､ 　
ㅤ  ㅤ  　ﾘ川 !| i′　 ﾞ､　　　　', ', 　
　  　  　lﾙl ||,ﾚ′　　 ヽ　　　,ﾉ ,〉　
ㅤ  　   　 |川'、　 ,,.,.r'"　 　 ,,ンﾞ 　
ㅤ  ㅤㅤ  　　　｀T"　 ! ,/ '.ﾉ,/｜　 　
ㅤ  ㅤㅤ  ㅤ　　 / 　 ,!´　!ﾞヾ{　|
　  ㅤ  ㅤㅤㅤ　/ 　 ,' 　 i　ﾞ　! ,lﾞ
ㅤ  ㅤ  　　,r‐'ヽ-､!　　 ',　　l｜　
　ㅤ    　 {　　　 ｀ヽ　　 !　 ｢ﾞﾌ 　　
ㅤㅤ　    　,>┬―／　　 ;　 i,｀{ 　　
　　    　/ /ﾘ川'　 　 　 　 ', ﾞ､
　     ／ ,/　　　 　 　 　 　 ﾞ､ ﾞ、 　
     ノ 　/　　　　　　　　　　　', ｀､ 　
     ＼_/　　 ;　　　　　　　　　 ﾞ、ヽ、
  　  　l__　　 !　　　　　　　 _＿_〕
  ㅤㅤ  　 ￣｀‐┬―r┬‐r'´　｀'‐'′
  ㅤ  　ㅤㅤㅤ 　　|　　.! |　 |
    ㅤㅤㅤ　ㅤ ㅤㅤ|　　| .|　 |
 

add me!?

<a href="https://socialsuicide.neocities.org/" ><"https://socialsuicide.neocities.org/button.png" style="width:88px;height:auto"/></a>

UPDATES 1/29/25
updated index
zine in production for lounge
mobile layout attempted fix. fail
1/28/25
mobile layout fixed again
1/26/25
broke mobile layout
1/25/25
mobile layout updated
1/24/25
changed colors/theme of site
dark mode removed
1/23/25
forum created !
find forum password on this page. it's easy
changed backgrounds
1/22/25
added to directory
changed menu items everywhere
1/21/25
jthm page edited
1/20/25
working on obituary page!
BIG THINGS COMING SOON :D
1/19/25:
writing page
poetry page
photography page!!
1/17/25:
added new pages to gallery!
gallery selection page
1/16/25:
gallery select page added
writing page wip
poetry page, more will be added
photography page wip
1/15/25:
resources page added
graphics page added
directory added
new post on main
new 404
changed music in journal
1/14/25:
jude character page
character added in gallery
1/13/25:
added to about
added to basement
lounge post !!
linked super cool site
1/12/25:
new lounge post
fixed things
1/11/25:
tried to make character pages appear better on different monitors (failed)
added creature
1/10/25:
character page added
1/9/25:
gallery added
character page added
fonts/layout/
appearance tweaked
1/8/25:
more page layout updates
dark mode added
new lounge post!!
added box to lounge
1/7/25:
revamped main page
easter egg page added (unfinished)
revamped about me & lounge

i am an open wound with the stitches ripped out. i am a whimsicle elf girl bleeding out. i am not afraid. i am afraid of everything . i was once told i was that. an open wound, a whimsicle elf girl with her feet out. i dont know why they included the foot part, honestly. why am i an open wound? is it because looking at me makes people have a visceral reaction? is it because talking to me is like ripping your nails off? i feel how i did in highschool. full of ideas, i need to speak them.

i crave to be heard i crave to be known. i want people to see the open wound. not what hurts me, i want to be seen. in general.

i don't feel like i'm not seen. i'm very very known. everyone who i've ever been close with has told me that i am a person that leaves such an impact on people i know. i just crave to be seen more. it's not enough. it's not the attention. people want to leave something behind when they die. i want to leave behind memories. i want to be remembered just by my person. i can leave art or items or fame or money but that is nothing. i want to be known and leave an impact on people. in a lot of ways, like a muscian. but i can't be that. my art doesn't evoke enough feeling, either.

i just crave connection and impactfulness

helo friends. it has been a while. i have been consumed, with work and work. more work. i got a second job (freelance photography) that has been keeping me busy.
things have been well, i think. i got some new boots. i got some tops i really like, and a skirt. i will in fact enlighten you all with a photo.

so? what do you think? a nice outfit, right? RIGHT?
anyways. let me know what you think. i will be continuing the zine eventually, as it is tedious.
hello friend! do you still check this? i'm not ignoring you because i hate you, i'm ignoring you because i'd like to not cause issues! i will add the gif.

i had a URI. or, have. i'm still coughing my lungs up, and they prescribed me an INHALER. it does nothing. but i am healing, on my own. i am alive and well, working and breathing and living. sort of. updates coming soon, digital zine in production. it will be published in the lounge! go take a peek at the cover! i love you! i miss you!

i am deathly ill, writhing and groaning in bed. i took some dxm, (cough suppressant), some ritalin, some more ritalin. and now mucinex. i think my strep has turnefd to pneumonia, or something.

earlier i was genuinly suffocating. gasping for air in bed rolling around because i could not sit still, so fucking groggy. the groggy is coming back. i called out of work today. probably not many updates tonight, friends. although the site is the tiniest bit more mobile friendly now. i can't smoke like this.

smoke a cig for me

at work again. 3, more, agonizing hours. it wouldn't be so bad if i had something to do. but alas, i have completed everything for the hour. 12:56, 1:30 i have a task. does anyone else absolutely hate sitting around at work? it's awful to me. the time passes like microwave time. when i am home, i think i will work on making everything more mobile friendly once again. wish me luck friends!!

i am at work currently, seeking refuge in the bathroom because i am deathly ill (strep throat). i have nothing to do at work at the moment anyways, maybe in 30 minutes i take my 15 minute break, and then sit again.

i have no idea if this is going to format correctly as i am on mobile so apologies if not. we're almost at 10k!! starting this website this month and already being here, it's so motivating and i'm still having so much fun. although i am running out of ideas. i may recolor things again! or try to make the site mobile friendly again! i was contacted by an html prophet in a dream showing me ideas for how to do it.

i love you!

hello little people in my computer. new pages underway, thinking about a reformat of everything too. maybe change the background, new colors. hrmmmm...

i was wondering what u guys thought. send me a dm? add my discord? @nickisucks.. lmk.

work has been good, the days are going by faster. i got tickets to see microwave !!! ,,, i got the new clothes. i was thinking about putting a photo. i might, still. hrmmmm we will see we will see. i love you!! i miss you!!! where have you gone!!!!