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welcome to this. more of a private, password protected journal or whatever. i took ritalin and chugged a monster and i keep checking my pulse. i guess thats alright. i'm a bit dizzy. i keep working on this shit and i'm actually pretty happy with it. i keep taking ritalin because it makes me kind of feel numb and emotionally absent. sometimes i need that.
however i do feel more anxious, significantly more anxious. my left arm hurts and i'm kind of paranoid that chugging a monster with ritalin is going to give me a heart attack lmao. how am i worried about this but i confidentally took mdma and snorted cocaine after? my heart rate reached like, 230. i think i should have died. but now my hands feel clammy and my arm hurts and i'm obsessively checking my pulse. my anxiety kind of confuses me, because like, why do i care? like ive done countless things to try to kill myself or just be absolutely reckless with substances and i was euphoric. but now because im anxious my body is insisting that i care about dying. its so odd
i get so fucking annoyed when people expect me to act a certain way and they respond based on what they expect. like, no, i'm not being a bitch. you think im being a bitch so you're acting like a dick. i did nothing to make you think that. i don't know why some people have this fucking idea in their head about how someone is going to react so instead of ever listening or asking for clarification they just respond based on their idea of you. like, do you think i'm always a cunt? i don't get it. and it makes me so fucking irritated. like yea, i wasn't mad before, but now im fucking pissed because you assumed i was angry for literally no reason and decided to retort back with some asshole remark. at that point you're just an asshole. not being an asshole, just an asshole. i don't fucking understand.
and then i'm just annoyed. im annoyed. i'm sitting here really fucking annoyed and my head hurts. and i haven't eaten all day. and all of this was about food. i don't understand how adults will go through their life refusing to eat an onion, like, you pay taxes and go to work every day but an onion is too much for you? oughhhh icky :(
aside from all of that, i've also just been more irritated in general lately. i lost my patience for stupid bullshit and now i'm just irritated every day. not constantly, but it feels like every day some new thing happens and i just have to be like, *sigh "... are you fucking kidding me?" i don't know. i'm starting to resent everyone as an entirety. just people in general. it feels like i have to spell shit out when i really shouldn't have to. maybe i'm being entitled and expecting too much of people. it's just become such a chore to speak to anyone besides like 2 or 3. i keep blocking people i used to know and love because i realized i hate them after i got over the nostalgia of the memories. it makes me pause at other times, when i think i'm enjoying someone or something and just think about if i'll eventually feel the same way about those moments. i guess i just have to find out
it's technically not the 6th yet but it will be in 14 minutes. i keep thinking about how i started taking my boyfriends ritalin with the goal in mind to eat less. i mean, it's definitely been working. i ate 2 pieces of chicken today. yesterday i ate part of a chicken sandwich and a bite of pasta. it's definitely not nothing but i had to force myself to eat it due to my head hurting so fucking bad. whats really funny to me is that all of this, this website and all the journalling/blogging/design was because i'm trying to stay sober. i quit drinking on new years eve, like i should have done a long fucking time ago, and i made this as an attempt to stay occupied. it is definitely working. it's just funny. i have such an unhealthy relationship with my body and body image and it's all because i gained weight 2 years ago after i quit cocaine. because i replaced coke with drinking. i remember back then, my ex was like, whenever you wanna do coke just drink. back then i kind of hated drinking, for the same reasons i hate it now. i hated the anxiety and was afraid of blacking out. i would literally drink one beer over like 4 hours. but after he said that, coke withdrawal was so fucking bad that i just started drinking nonstop. like every fucking day, all day, i'd wake up & put a shot in my coffee and go to work. it was fun at the time lmfao. i don't know. now im about 15 pounds heavier and i hate myself. i'm not even nearing overweight at all i'm just used to being right under the cusp of a normal weight. i miss feeling my hip bones.
the butterfly effect is funny, because i can trace literally all of this back to going to taco bell one afternoon in 2019. if i didnt go there with my cousin i would not have applied and gotten that job, if i didn't get that job i wouldn't have stayed in oregon. if i didnt stay in oregon i wouldn't have met the psychopath who led me to meet my ex-boyfriend. if i didnt meet my ex i wouldn't have ever done coke. and i would have never had an alcohol problem. i would have never been so bulimic i would throw up every meal or so anorexic i didnt eat for a week until i passed out on my floor in kansas. i guess never say never. but it would not have been like this. basically all of this happened because i really liked the loaded potato grillers taco bell had in 2019
that's so hilarious
i wonder where i would've been by now. i was supposed to move to arizona with my even eviller ex, so i guess i'd be there now, maybe. not with him but somewhere down there.
this entire chain of events led me to have 3 distinguishable characteristics and i think that's insane. i quit making jokes about loving coke after everyone started remembering me by it. now people remember me as the alcoholic, and i think that's extremely fucking shitty. that kind of brings me to the debate of if people are their trauma. someone once told me i am not my trauma and it stuck with me, but i'm not sure if i even believe it fully. i feel that a persons struggles can consume them. if they act through those things then really, what else are they if not that? for a while alcoholism was me. every day i would drink and black out and do some shit. i fucking hate myself so much. i spent 2 years drunk and i don't even know who i am anymore. i know i'm a nerdy retard who finds fun in coding/webbuilding like this, i know i like art, poetry. i feel as if i have no identity. can your identity be things you enjoy? i feel like thats just being borderline, or like, the husk of a person. i don't know. i don't know if i ever knew who i was. i mean who is anyone really. i know what makes me feel alive is being known. hence the journal/blog. i know i create. i know whatever legacy i want is just to leave my mark on people. my highschool friend wrote her college thesis on me because she thought i was dead. i guess that's leaving a mark. it said i was the most influential person in her life. and like, man, we just had art class together. like we hungout sometimes and i gave her weed my sophomore year but i never felt like she knew me. it's hard for me to feel like that about anyone though. i just don't know what i do. she isn't the only person to say things like that about me either. i've been called a profound presence in peoples life and i don't even know why because i just pop in and pop out. i literally faked my death to everyone i used to know a few years ago and have reconnected with some of them and like. i don't know how someone can be such an influential and important presence if you don't know them.
i dont know. i dont know i dont know. i struggle with feeling unloved constantly and i never feel like someone truly understands or knows me and those are directly correlated. is it my fault? do people actually know me, and i just insist they don't? the reason i think most people don't is because they dont understand a lot of views or ideology i have. i don't need them to agree, just see where i'm coming from and understand why i think of things that way or react like that. people say they get it and then tell me that i am wrong when it was never about being right. it's all just chemicals and neurons firing aimlessly trying to make sense of anything, i guess. peace
i've been thinking about how this entire thing is password protected and whatever, and like it's not that hard to figure out but i won't tell my boyfriend. or like anyone they have to figure it out. i mean knowing how to ctrl+u kinda makes it super easy but not everyone knows what theyre looking at lol. all of this is making me think, like, this entire website and journal, blog, this page, everything is because i have so many thoughts i need to be heard. but i made this to put them all here and i'm still reminding people like "hey remember i made a website? i updated it. no i wont tell you the password" but i really really want it to be read. not by everyone i just want the people i care about to care about me enough to find the password. its literally a nine inch nails reference, anyone who knows me would guess it pretty fast. i think the main thing is that people don't think theres a space in it
this is private in the way of i desperately want to be heard but i'm also afraid of it. like, if my boyfriend finds the password which he probably will i'm not like hiding it, this might not be a place i'm fully comfortable talking in anymore. not that i'm hiding anything it just will feel like i have to filter it or like i can't say things exactly how i want or something. i don't know. i just dont want to ruin this for myself but also i want him to find it? this is dumb
i woke up this morning and cried within the first hour of being awake. i don't know how to stop myself from blaming people for things like that. like i didn't cry for no reason, there was a reason, whether it was miscommunication or anger or exhaustion whatever. im speaking in a general sense at this point. it's just like. it sucks. i hate crying. and don't get me wrong i think im better overall recently, its just fucking stupid that i still cry almost every day. and i'm always so overwhelmed with things. i just need some place/space that i can be comfortable in but then i'm just fucking lonely. but if i'm not lonely i'm not comfortable or i'm crying or im fighting and i don't even know if its my fault. i spent so long blaming myself for everything in my life just to realize i was literally getting beat, and nothing really justifies that. or i was getting manipulated for no reason other than being vulnerable. and it makes me really question shit and get paranoid. i still blame myself a lot but i'm trying to find a good medium where i only blame myself for shit thats actually my fault. but its kind of hard when like, the other person is telling me its only me, and that i started everything, but idk. i feel like i get pushed to my limit so much and that i end up freaking out or breaking and then its like "SEE! SEE I TOLD YOU ITS YOU YOURE INSANE!". like idk. i havent even freaked out or panicked like that in a long time. its just like, why is it always my fault? why is it my fault when i get upset because you said something condescending? or shitty, or sarcastic. or in a shitty tone. it's either that or i'm told it literally didn't happen like that. it makes me feel fucking crazy but i know if anyone else heard it they'd agree
it just makes me sad
it makes me sad that i'm blamed for wanting to not be talked to a certain way. like if it was me 3 years ago i would've just shut up. but me 3 years ago let people treat me like garbage and lie to me and call me worthless. like it's not nearly as bad as that but it still sucks. most of it gets resolved, and what doesn't happens again until it is resolved. its just tiring. i'm at the point where stupid little things are making me very upset only because they have happened for months and months and months. and it's like, yea ive given you a break, ive given you a break for so long, i'm sorry it upset me i can't help how i feel, i'm sorry i responded that way but all i did was tell you it made me mad. and it did. i know everyone in my life has given me a break the past few years due to addiction or alcoholism or just generally being horrifically depressed or so anxious i can't even speak to people. and i appreciate that. i'm not trying to be unappreciative it just sucks. like i know i'm no fucking saint i'm kind of a piece of shit, not kind of. i just don't know. i feel like its fair for me to be upset, about things like this. i just want to keep some kind of self worth. i never used to have it. and it's hard to when a lot of the time i have to walk through the issue step by step explaining how it hurt me and how yes, it was a mistake, it still hurt. or no, i'm not attacking you i am trying to communicate. and yes i know i used to be similar and thank you for giving me a break then. and yea i know i've only been better for two weeks but does that not make a difference? like 2 weeks is a long time to me. i worked so fucking hard to get better and now it feels like its being completely blown over because "it was only 2 weeks ago". well, it was like a month ago now or something. yeah i know you gave me a break, yea i know you were being nice doing that. i know i dont deserve it. i give everyone so many breaks and it feels like they just don't notice it. i continue to speak to people who are fucking evil and have done shit things to me, or people who have just slightly fucked me over, or people who have a history of just being a fucking asshole to me. and i do it because i care about them. but they don't notice that i stick around it feels like. i could just block them or never speak to them again, leave, move states, fake my death and change my name again. it would be really tedious but i absolutely could and honestly sometimes i think i might end up better off. but its too much of a gamble and too much work. and it would hurt really bad and take a really long time just to get back to where i am now. which isnt the best
i let myself get walked over so much that people just expect it from me. once, i was jokingly talking to my ex asking him to stay and hangout with me when his family was there. very clearly joking, like he knew it and i said i was joking around. anyways. he told his sister something, i dont know exactly what he said to her but he told me what she said.
"wow, she sure is entitled for someone who got abused"
" wow ,
she sure is entitled
for someone who got abused ."
what the fuck?
i know he told me to make me feel bad. i know he said it so i would stop expecting the bare minimum. at the time we had just moved back into the same bedroom, after having separate ones. he was so against spending time with me out of some attempt to feel independent. he wanted an open relationship, he didnt want to date me and then he did, but because i'm retarded i just let all of that happen and still pleaded to get back together. but that sentence literally rings in my ears still. "wow, she sure is entitled for someone who got abused". he said he was telling her about how i ask him to hangout with me instead of his family. i told him, you know i was joking right? he was like yea, yea i know youre joking but it still makes me feel bad and i end up leaving early. and i was like, okay, ill stop making those jokes, you could have told me. and he was like yea but ill still feel bad. it doesnt matter if you make the jokes or not. but then it's like, then why the fuck am i entitled? this is literally all on you then, right? and i still kind of fail to believe thats all he said to her, because no normal person would say that about someone. i mean she knew i literally got drugged and raped. she knew i got my ribs broken and was literally beat. and all i did was jokingly go "noooooo hangout with mee". he would say that i was expecting too much of him. even in the beginning, he hungout with his ex girlfriend and i ignored how paranoid it made me. he asked me once if it was okay and i said yea, and he said, well, even if you weren't comfortable with it i would. we just wouldn't work out. and i know then and now that they weren't doing anything, me and her ended up being friends briefly, but its like who the fuck says that. i feel like if you don't care about what your partner is comfortable with you shouldn't even try to date anyone. but i let that happen, and i let them hangout alone for months until i got over it, which i eventually did because i knew they werent doing anything i was just insecure. but then i'd find out he'd do weird shit like let her shave his balls lmfao and its like ??? you couldnt like ask? or use ur thinking skills to figure out why and how that is incredibly fucking weird? its like he did it specifically to say like, "hey i dont really give a fuck if you're okay with this or not". it's just shitty. that entire relationship was some weird fucked up power dynamic fight except he was fighting with nobody. just trying to prove shit to himself. he made me out to his family to be so fucking evil.
anyway. just a really long ramble about everything and nothing. i feel myself slipping back into having that shitty worthless feeling and letting people treat me like garbage or letting people talk to me like im nothing. i feel like im becoming nothing again. but thats okay, i dont know, maybe it's genuinely better that way. maybe i am nothing