yesterday i did mushrooms. it wasn't my first, second, or third time, more like my fifteenth or sixteenth. i lost count. it was weird this time, though. i was feeling giggly and bright, loud, open and touchy. i threw up at some point and it completely changed the vibe of my trip, though. i was out of it, and lost. i felt like i threw up a part of myself. then there was the water.
we walked to the water. my friend and i, that is. we walked out onto the road, right above the ocean, and sat in the cold wind over the bay. the water flowed in patterns, deep blue gushing and seeping into the rocks. i was so out of it. i still have a lot. i don't know. then there was the afterglow
the afterglow was odd. i started coming down from my cloud, as lowly as it was near the end, at the last half of the walk home. i was still so out of it, so i proposed we went to the corner store for some wine to even out. she called it a bonding experience. it was, actually. i'd say she saw a different part of me but it was more of the lack thereof. there was a profound emptiness. it was kind of frightening. maybe my meds interacted with it, maybe it was because i vomited. we did end up taking a little more, and obviously it did nothing at that point. the wine did help us even out though. she smoked, i drank, she drank. i drank she smoked and drank and we drank together. we layed in bed watching the recordings she had taken of our conversations whilst we were delving into ourselves. i was empty. i wish i had spoken more, but my brain was not in it. at all.
after the night was reaching it's end, we ate some food and i ended up passing out for a good 6 hours. that was my night last night. it wasn't bad at all, just very odd.
i still feel that emptiness and it's scary
i am an open wound with the stitches ripped out. i am a whimsicle elf girl bleeding out. i am not afraid. i am afraid of everything . i was once told i was that. an open wound, a whimsicle elf girl with her feet out. i dont know why they included the foot part, honestly. why am i an open wound? is it because looking at me makes people have a visceral reaction? is it because talking to me is like ripping your nails off? i feel how i did in highschool. full of ideas, i need to speak them.
i crave to be heard i crave to be known. i want people to see the open wound. not what hurts me, i want to be seen. in general.
i don't feel like i'm not seen. i'm very very known. everyone who i've ever been close with has told me that i am a person that leaves such an impact on people i know. i just crave to be seen more. it's not enough. it's not the attention. people want to leave something behind when they die. i want to leave behind memories. i want to be remembered just by my person. i can leave art or items or fame or money but that is nothing. i want to be known and leave an impact on people. in a lot of ways, like a muscian. but i can't be that. my art doesn't evoke enough feeling, either.
i just crave connection and impactfulness
helo friends. it has been a while. i have been consumed, with work and work. more work. i got a second job (freelance photography) that has been keeping me busy.
things have been well, i think. i got some new boots. i got some tops i really like, and a skirt. i will in fact enlighten you all with a photo.
so? what do you think? a nice outfit, right? RIGHT?
anyways. let me know what you think. i will be continuing the zine eventually, as it is tedious.
hello friend! do you still check this? i'm not ignoring you because i hate you, i'm ignoring you because i'd like to not cause issues! i will add the gif.
i had a URI. or, have. i'm still coughing my lungs up, and they prescribed me an INHALER. it does nothing. but i am healing, on my own. i am alive and well, working and breathing and living. sort of. updates coming soon, digital zine in production. it will be published in the lounge! go take a peek at the cover! i love you! i miss you!
i am deathly ill, writhing and groaning in bed. i took some dxm, (cough suppressant), some ritalin, some more ritalin. and now mucinex. i think my strep has turnefd to pneumonia, or something.
earlier i was genuinly suffocating. gasping for air in bed rolling around because i could not sit still, so fucking groggy. the groggy is coming back. i called out of work today. probably not many updates tonight, friends. although the site is the tiniest bit more mobile friendly now. i can't smoke like this.
smoke a cig for meat work again. 3, more, agonizing hours. it wouldn't be so bad if i had something to do. but alas, i have completed everything for the hour. 12:56, 1:30 i have a task. does anyone else absolutely hate sitting around at work? it's awful to me. the time passes like microwave time. when i am home, i think i will work on making everything more mobile friendly once again. wish me luck friends!!
i am at work currently, seeking refuge in the bathroom because i am deathly ill (strep throat). i have nothing to do at work at the moment anyways, maybe in 30 minutes i take my 15 minute break, and then sit again.
i have no idea if this is going to format correctly as i am on mobile so apologies if not. we're almost at 10k!! starting this website this month and already being here, it's so motivating and i'm still having so much fun. although i am running out of ideas. i may recolor things again! or try to make the site mobile friendly again! i was contacted by an html prophet in a dream showing me ideas for how to do it.
i love you!hello little people in my computer. new pages underway, thinking about a reformat of everything too. maybe change the background, new colors. hrmmmm...
i was wondering what u guys thought. send me a dm? add my discord? @nickisucks.. lmk.
work has been good, the days are going by faster. i got tickets to see microwave !!! ,,, i got the new clothes. i was thinking about putting a photo. i might, still. hrmmmm we will see we will see. i love you!! i miss you!!! where have you gone!!!!