no, man, i don't eat meat, i tear it. i'm hopelessly uninvolved in current affairs and can you blame me? sometimes i fix my hair, my skin, my face, but i'm never the cleanest i have felt. i pick under my nails every day and they are as brittle as always. hello? people tell me, "dont look at me with those bedroom eyes," but i'm just looking at them normally. sometimes it makes me wonder. won't you let me be? just as you take my hand you burn so fast it scares me. all of last year was a fatal disease. where am i? sometimes i look in the mirror and my hair is knotted and tangled, and i'm the cleanest i have ever been. no, of course you don't eat onions. will you milk it? sometimes i crack my knuckles and hear a tear. hello, hello, testing testing. anyone here? sometimes there is a loud ringing in my ears. what? sorry, i couldn't hear you. BREAKING NEWS: IF YOU ARE STILL READING THIS YOUR EYES HURT. STOP. don't leave me. i'm cold every moment of my life. sometimes i get lonely. i am lonely every moment of my life. do you feel warmth when you are here? nobody found the body. are you still here? what sparks joy? hand in hand? are you unloveable too? sometimes i rip my nails off. as brittle as always. i think im going insane. please don't leave, i get lonely. if you exit this site i will kill myself. do you want me to die? sometimes i want to kill myself. is that what you want? hello? sometimes i look in the mirror and i still see you. you have carved scars in your back from fallen angels. sometimes my knees are cut and bruised and i remember. will you rip the stitches sewn into my skin? will you tear them out one by one? does that turn you on? man, i dont eat meat, i tear it off your brittle bones and devour it. do you eat meat? hello? i'm hopelessly uninvolved in life, you blame me. why? sometimes i rip my hair, my skin, my face, and i'm the most normal i have ever been. have you ever touched yourself? i spat blood at god and he is angry. do you like to draw? do you like to write? do you like to read? is your halo slipping down? do you tie the noose? is it a perfect circle? feel the ridges of your knuckles and bite them. have you ever cut yourself? sometimes i hum when i'm asleep. can you hear it? with my ear up against the wall i can still hear them humming. can you feel it? do i have pure bedroom eyes? yeah i drink juice when i'm killing, cause its fucking delicious. she said i drink too much hawaiian red fruit punch. i can still hear the crack when my ribs were broken. i used to get so high i didn't know what was going on. i used to get so high my nose was numb for days. do you enjoy the smell of gasoline? sometimes i look in the mirror and a salamander, or a rabbit reflects. please, i miss you. where are you ? hello? can you hear me? i don't want to be alone. am i alive and well? am i breathing just like i've always been? sometimes i stare into the sun. do you lay bruised and abused on a shelf? to be observed but never listened to? are you a wallflower? do you observe? i want you to put your hand through the screen and grab mine. i am here. can you see me? can you feel me? my hands are so cold. hand in unloveable hand? please, seriously. i miss you. i want to hold your hand. it's so cold i can see my breath. i wonder if i'll ever get out of here. sometimes i feel hopeless. i remember how it was before and i feel unrecognizable. i don't even know if i'm me anymore. the last 8 years were a fatal disease. i think i might be the disease now. can you cure me? i don't want to be alone. i remember when i used to be a child and i never thought "why?" when i was younger i used to stay up for hours in the candlelight. i felt like i was being watched. are you watching me? i want you to touch yourself. do you love me? i love you. does my hair smell nice? i use chamomile herbal essence shampoo. can you feel my skin? hello? help me. jesus christ please fucking help me. oh my fucking god it burns so fucking bad. please help me i need to get out of here. please. please help me, i know you can hear me. i know you can fucking hear me. why arent you helping me? why? WHY? I CAN SEE YOU. WHY ARENT YOU HELPING ME. WH----------- . . no, man, i don't eat meat, i tear it. i'm hopelessly uninvolved in current affairs and can you blame me? sometimes i cut myself just to taste the blood. i pick under my nails every day and they are as brittle as always. cut yourself. hello? people tell me, "dont look at me with those bedroom eyes," but i'm just looking at them normally. can you fucking stop viewing me as a piece of meat? i'm not here for you to get off. why the fuck did you do that to me? did you know i still fucking have panic attacks every fucking night? why? sometimes i stare into the sun. sometimes it makes my eyes burn, and i look away, and all i can see are black dots. one time i stared into a solar eclipse and the dots stayed for days. hello? are you actually watching this still? you're in love with me, clearly. i love you too. thank you. sometimes i think nobody ever bothers to listen to the things i say or write, and it makes me feel unloved. thank you. i know your eyes hurt. let me lick your eyeballs

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1/10/25:
gallery added
character page added
fonts/layout/
appearance tweaked
1/8/25:
more page layout updates
dark mode added
new lounge post!!
added box to lounge
1/7/25:
revamped main page
easter egg page added (unfinished)
revamped about me & lounge

rise and shine, its 1:58 pm on the SEVENTH OF JANUARY , TWENTY TWENTY FIVE. there is snow outside, i am hungover. what a life

tomorrow, my lucky number eight, i go to get evaluated & remedicated. it's only been two years but i am nervous. i know what to tell them, i know all of the right things to say but what if my trusty lamotrigine and aripiprazole don't work anymore? what if im condemned to take lithium again and return to Battery Girl status. that wasn't so bad, i suppose. i may return tomorrow with a new diagnosis as well, as i lied to my last psychiatrist extensively out of embarrassment. you will be updated! as per usual,

keep smoking, i love you! keep smoking, i love you!

sometimes i feel like i'm pretending to be alive. i spent months actually alone and i was going fucking crazy. like, i don't think i spent more than an hour sober in those months. i was locked in this tiny room in the middle of nowhere, because there was nowhere to go, and i could not stand to be with my thoughts. i would genuinely wake up and call the first person i saw in my contacts and just fucking scream. not even words, just like AHHHHHH!

i think i frightened a lot of people close to me by doing that. and right after the call, if not during, i would just drink myself into some incoherent state where i had no idea what was going on. because being alone in that fucking room with myself was that bad. i'd like to tell myself i've improved since then or that i'm different- i was going through something, yaknow? but in reality i have no fucking clue. i have no idea if i'm still like that or not. i spent an even longer time alone a little over a year ago but it wasn't really alone, i was always waiting on someone or just around people. i don't know who i am without that and i am way too fucking terrified to find out